I took a step towards stopping myself bullying me!
Let me explain. It's REALLY hot here in the South of the UK at the moment. I'm too hot to mess about. I didn't want to wear my 3/4 length shorts because they're too hot - I wanted to wear hot-pants and I'm disinclined to acquiesce to my constant fear of what people might think (*gosh how could they think?!*) with our high-twenties temps (laugh all you like my American friends, it's hot for here :p).
For years I've told myself my legs are too fat. People will look at me (why does that even matter?!).
This is what I look like in hotpants.
But inside my head....I don't look like that.
Let me describe what inner Michelle looks like.
She's 5'6ish, 200Ibs. Her thighs look like downed tree trunks, you know - the big old oaks, the kind of tree it takes a real storm to pull up. Her stomach is gross, like a big bag of goo stuck onto the front of her body. Her boobs are all over the place and she has a stupid dorky face with her top teeth that overhang...
It's weird the pictures we build for ourselves isn't it. I can see the girl in the picture. She's alright looking. In fact, she looks fairly slim. If we're being bitchy we can say theres a bit of weight on the stomach and thighs but she's alright really.
Today marks the first time I stopped myself from beating on myself.
Don't get me wrong, it took a HUGE force of will.
I dressed in hot-pants ready to go to the gym. When I got outside I could see my thighs jiggling with every step, the fat bouncing against my other leg and undulating back across. I felt like with every step a tsunami was happening on my thighs. I had to go back and change. I almost cried. I looked awful, how could I still be so fat?
I made hubs turn the car around and let me go back into the flat to change. I even went back into the house and stood in front of the mirror for about 5 minutes. Willing myself to look different, willing myself to accept me, willing myself to change.
With a feeling of intense triumph warring against blind panic, I turned myself away from the mirror and left the house dressed exactly as I'd come back in when I'd been intending to change.
With one last "tell me honestly, am I too fat for these?" to hubs, I sat myself back in the car and with no elaboration here, had tears in my eyes - from fear, from panic, from feeling like something major had just happened.
I FORCED myself to walk through the lobby, into the gym and workout with hot-pants on.
No one even second glanced me. Well, except from the kiddie who was lifting a good 15kg less than I was on the incline-flyes, but I'm going to guess that wasn't because of my gym attire.
Maybe this sounds totally crazy to you. I know other people couldn't care less what I look like. And in reality it's not really them I care about, it's my OWN opinion of myself that has to change. That's really the root of the issue here.
Maybe you understand me word for word. Maybe you are working up to the same thing I've just done. All I have to say to you, whether you are a sister or a brother is - you look amazing. Don't let yourself tell you any different.
And if anyone else says anything negative to you, remember, it's them - not you. Normal people don't go around trying to make other people feel bad about themselves.