These last few weeks have not been kind to me.
I know that a lot of that is part of my own drama and creation.
I know I have the power to change my circumstances and I know that I choose to feel the way I feel but sometimes getting a grip on things can be difficult.
Sometimes it's just a case of hanging on at the end of your rope until things start to look a little better, until you can start to make that climb back up, until you have the strength to pull yourself together and get moving.
I'm not there yet. I'm dangling, balancing things very carefully, grateful for these strong shoulders that I've grown over the past few years. Shoulders that can handle the burden and that are strong enough to keep me just hanging on.
Sometimes that's the best we can hope for. To accept our current situation and be grateful for the strength that we have to keep our head above water, or, to follow our analogy, to keep hold of that rope. To know things will get better.
Today was no exception to the harsh treatment I have subjected myself to and there is only ever ONE cure for me, to help me move on and to assess my situation and today it looked a bit like this...
Well. That's a misleading statement. I actually knew it was going to rain when I left the house. In fact, it was raining very lightly as I stepped out but I love running in the rain anyway and I assumed it would stop. Wrong.
5 minutes into my run every time I blinked I sent water cascading down my face and my arms were dripping. 10 minutes in and I'd spit on my glasses....don't judge me, I prefer to have spitty glasses and be able to see :p
But still, 38 minutes later I got home. Not too shabby, still working on a continuous run rather than speed (as you can probably tell by that time....) and I succeeded - a full 5k of running. Yay!
On top of that, I felt AMAZING! How many of you guys leave the house feeling a little (or maybe a lot) sorry for yourself, sometimes even like you don't want to go out and run, yet when you get home you could tap-dance all the way to the shower?
Well, that was me today. Exercise, as I'm sure I've said before is my escape.
Exercise always reminds me of how far I've come from being that big girl who got stuck in her own, miserable world. It always reminds me of the human propensity to surpass ones expectations and it ALWAYS surprises me.
Exercise reminds me to be fearless and it reminds me that I, we, you are stronger than you'd ever imagine.
Now as I'm sure you're aware, last night was pole night. Nothing can touch pole night. Pole night is the night of the week I get to leave everything behind and be that fearless person on the pole.
I always have to remind myself to be fearless. I'm far from fearless, but I think that doing the things that scare you is actually more important than never being scared of anything. This week was just that week. Now, as I said last week, Karen discovered that I cannot do a decent Butterfly.
Butterfly scares the crap out of me. Excuse the language. But it does. I have no idea why - it was one of the first things we were taught to do and it's perfectly simple, but I'd rather spend the night ankle releasing (which hurts like the seven circles of hell being pressed into your inner thighs....) than do a Butterfly.
So last night, I got to do Butterflys. Lots of them. I got to do them until I managed this....
I then spent the rest of evening practising ankle release. Remember, sometimes you get what you wish for....
An hour of pole wasn't enough for sure! I managed to get a decent hold on the ankle release, but being able to right myself is not something I'm quite able to do yet....it involved Karen standing underneath me pushing with her knees and pulling my shoulders to try and get me upright. So glam ;) And I did NOT put my hands on the floor. I promise (because if I put my hands on the floor I'd take the weight off my legs....yes, I promise I was listening Karen ;) ).
Tom got to finally practice his Caterpillar....yes, I did tell Karen about that in return for the Butterfly saga :p A move that looks fairly simple is a devil of a thing to do. Wowee. I got down from the pole feeling like I'd run a mile! We also got into lots of trouble. Apparently Tom's monkey feet are NOT allowed on the pole and somehow, Tom's monkey feet being on the pole meant I got to practice climbing. Still, I do need the practice...!
I left pole last night exhausted. In a good way of course. Most of all, what I left with was that knowledge...Yep, doing things that scare you is much more important than never being scared.
What things do you find yourself doing even though they scare you (just a little)?