The past couple of months have been long. I've been unable to pole due to injury and with that has slipped away my motivation to do almost anything else. I'm up 10kg, down some muscle and feeling extremely pitiful!
What I *have* found in the past couple of months though, is that I'm not defined by the things that I do. I don't *need* to be anyone but myself. I've been battling with the extreme guilt and worthlessness that tried to muscle in on my injury, examining the way in which I eat, the things I choose to eat and why. It's been an eye opener. I realised how unhealthy my relationship with food has been, how controlling of my life.
I looked at the way in which I exercise, the things I choose to do and why. It's been revealing. I realised how unhealthy my reasons for exercising had become - not because I enjoyed it, but because I felt COMPELLED to do it because otherwise I had "no worth". I realised that some things I genuinely enjoy doing, for the sake of simply doing it - not because I "have" to. Not to "punish" myself for eating badly, or to gain "extra calories" to eat whatever I like, but just because they're enjoyable, they engage me and I WANT to do them.
I also realised there are some things that are worth doing, even though they're slightly less enjoyable to make everything else possible.
I've been untangling years of compulsive, obsessive, controlling behaviours and I have never felt more free. More aware of myself, more aware of what I'm capable of and happier in ME. I have finally been able to accept the way in which my body changes, in the way I look. I realised that I HAD the body I'd been working desperately for and never even SAW it then, because I was too wrapped up in reaching something that was "perfect" and ultimately, unhealthy for me.
Yes, I do plan on losing my gained 10kg but not because I am "fat", or "ugly" or "disgusting" but because I want to be a healthy weight to be able to not injure myself!
Finally these are things I no longer feel in myself. I don't look in the mirror and see a disgusting lump of worthless fat. I see a body that is strong and capable. Yes, I still don't see myself as I am and I am aware of the dysmorphic issues I've been struggling with for years but finally, I am able to see myself and not poke my body, describing it as "gross", "fat", "hideous". I am just me and I am beautiful however I choose to be.